“Sorry, Not Tonight?” Managing Desire Discrepancies Between Partners
Let’s talk desire discrepancy.
Often couples and individuals seek sex therapy with me because, well, 1) it’s in my title and 2) they’re have a sex “issue.” The “issue” I’m often presented with is desire discrepancy. Often described as: “having a different sex drive than my partner.”; “higher versus lower libdo.”; or “one person simply not wanting sex.” Let me just say, sexual desire is a spectrum. There isn’t a switch or technique that I provide to “fix” your partner. If that’s what you’re looking for, keeping swiping because this blog won’t meet your needs. However, if you’re open to exploring your sexual scripts, understanding what desire discrepancy is and rewiring how you perceive pleasure, you’ve landed in the right place.
What Is Desire Discrepancy?
Desire Discrepancy refers to having lowered levels of sexual interest or sexual intimacy than their sexual partner(s). Before you run off to diagnosis yourself or someone else, note, desire discrepancy is not a sexual disorder or dysfunction. There are enough labels in the world, no need in adding more.
Nonetheless, desire discrepancies impact both the higher and lower desiring partner and can trigger feelings of uncertainty and others including:
rejection - one person no longer feels desire by the other.
guilt/shame - inadequacy for not having a “normal” desire level.
avoidance - avoiding the heaviness of “letting down” the other person.
Understanding Sexual Scripts.
Have you ever caught yourself reminiscing “how good sex used to be in the beginning.” So much so, you’ve tried repeating similar acts to yield the outcome of sex. Well, that would be considered a sexual script. Think of sexual scripts as internal guides dictating what should take place, be felt, desires, societal projections and more during a sexual encounter. And, perhaps you’re thinking, “planning never hurts.” And, in most instances you’d be correct, however, sexual scripts can prevent fluidity, attunement, and sexual exploration, all while creating unrealistic expectations surrounding sex. Imagine having a great sexual experience; the type where you could go for a cigarette although you don’t smoke, only for the other person to invalidate it because you didn’t orgasm in the way they’d hoped. Mood changer, right? Don’t let sexual scripts impact your sexual relationship(s). Remember, what sparks a desire response for you doesn’t have to do the same for your partner(s). Instead of mourning the sexual relationship of old, be open to exploring what brings you pleasure presently. I assure you, it has drastically changed since the honeymoon days.
Navigating Desire Discrepancies In Your Relationship.
We all have different desire and pleasure responses and that’s what makes us all unique. Our desires can ebb and flow based on external factors, some which might include:
health factors
mental health factors
work stress
relational stress
medications
sexual pain
hormones
Here are a few important factors to consider when managing desire discrepancies;
normalize what you and your partner(s) are experiencing - addressing your experiences allow you to emotionally turn toward one another.
create consistent space for sexual health communication without judgement - discussing desire discrepancies shouldn’t only come up when there’s a grievance.
be open to creating new forms of nonsexual sexual touch and intimacy - challenge traditional sexual narratives.
identify if a sex therapist is needed - a therapist can help with communication barriers, stuck areas, and sexual expectations.
There is not an definite way to cure desire discrepancies. Like it or not, it exists in many relationships. However, its occurrence doesn’t have to be suffocating to your relationship. In fact, when grace, open communication, and the willingness to explore are present, relationships are able to rewire their sexual relationship and find balance.
Is desire discrepancies a factor in your relationship? See if relational therapy is for you.